Knowledge of a Loss
by Fawn of the woods
Summary: Deadly Years after credits- His friends' brush with death forced Spock to realize something that his lover had known for some time; his mate was not immortal. Preexisting relationship; in my series follows Living Situations, but can be alone. Spones


My next installment in my ST McSpock series, though this one could stand alone.

**Deadly Years - After Credits**

**Knowledge of a Loss**

Spock winced as he sat on the biobed. The jarring of the ship was more pronounced in his elder age. He looked over at the doctor as those gentle surgeon hands lifted him onto the platform. He was glad Jim had survived the antidote they had come up with, the research had been almost as exhausting as the healing. With the ship out of danger, Spock could now turn to his own health.

"Easy there, Bohraya." He looked up at his mate's gentle reminder that he was weaker than normal. Leonard's face was smooth again, unlike the last two days of age and worry that had colored it with fleshy wrinkles. He closed his eyes briefly against the light before re-opening them to look into those blue eyes. Even in old age, they had been clear and bright. Leonard's passionate soul burned through those electric orbs. As they had aged, Spock had watched his hands shake more and more and his gate become slower and delicate, but nothing had dampened the fire that danced in those eyes.

"This will take a few minutes to take effect, Mr Spock. Remember to try to relax into the changes." He barely acknowledged Nurse Chapel's gentle instructions as she loaded a Hypospray and passed it over to his mate. He could feel worry gnawing at his human's mind as the dose was double checked again. A shudder rippled through his skin and he gritted his teeth gently against the groan of discomfort. A strong hand gripped his shoulder.

"Soon, Bohraya. Withstand the pain and discomfort a bit longer." Spock looked up at those worries eyes as he felt the injection take hold and blinding pain rippled throughout his muscles. Tearing and burning ran rampant through his system, but his mind wouldn't focus on it. All he could see was his T'hy'la aging into dust before his eyes. The defeat as the infirmity that almost cost Jim his captaincy effecting, and ultimately destroying, the Doctor, whose spirit was so vital to his universe.

A whirlwind of debates and quips flooded through his memory as the idea that all that fire, all that life could have been lost to the harsh truth of age and time. The knowledge that even with this cure, it someday might still be drowned on the well of empty space where passion had no meaning but as a distant echo of a forgotten soul.

His entire being retched with grief as his stomach turned inside out with pain. The joy and despair, the flavor of life that was so much a part of his doctor's world, it could be swallowed by time, torn asunder by the whip of that merciless mistress. Never had he felt so many splinters slip through his fingers as if slivers of water to return to the vast to be lost to all who seek them. For what could tell a drop pf water apart from another? In a sea of space, where does the single passion find its unique place?

He tried to croak a sound, but his throat was dry and gripped in tension. The strain of pulling at the vocal chords caused his neck to bunch into knots. He couldn't reach him. Try as he might, his T'hy'l was out of reach, beyond the darkness that was closing. He couldn't breath. He needed. He needed his T'hy'la. They were one.

One.

"Shhh. Wake up, Spock." The darkness colored quickly as his eyes fluttered. He felt his heart beat strongly in his side and his lungs filled with clean humid air of the ship. He felt the blood pound through his veins and settle into rythmes it had followed for years. Gingerly, he let himself swallow and found his mouth dry, but now longer cracked. Taking a deeper breath and bracing himself, he let his eyes slide open. The light in sick bay was lowered enough that he felt comfortable opening his eyes and looking around.

"Let yourself relax, Spock. Get your bearings." He followed that soft voice and slowly organized his memory of the past few days, of aging and the Romulans. The pain and lingering queasiness must be a result of the medication. The Captain had thrown up upon his wakening.

"When?" He knew that wasn't a complete sentence, but he wanted to find out how much of his internal time he had missed. He'd estimated 0.2 hours.

"Its 1752 hours. Your system didn't like the cure as much as the human system. Vulcan Adrenaline is a tricky thing to fiddle with." Leonard's smiling face appeared to the left. Gentle fingers undid the bindings on his wrists. He felt those long fingers linger on his left wrist long after the bindings had fallen away.

"Spock?" Soft fingers held his hand and raised it to cradle in both hands. He looked at Leonard and tightened his hand briefly.

"I am here, Doctor." A satisfied smile spread across his face and he nodded.

"Jim's already in bed in his quarters, as is Mr Scott. We're due to dock in a few hours. Commodore is directing the ship under Sulu's advisement and they are under orders to call Jim should even a hiccup goes astray up there." Spock looked at the tired eyes of the CMO.

"And you, Doctor? Have you been to bed?" Leonard chuckled.

"Not yet." Spock pushed himself up with some effort.

"Doctor…" The huffy growl seemed to draw the next breathy chuckle from the exhausted man.

"Jim, Scotty even you wouldn't rest until your duties were dispelled and properly taken care of. How can you ask if I would do the same?" Spock blinked a moment as he sat on the side of the biobed.

"Duties?" A wiry arm snaked under his shoulders and supported the half-vulcan as they stood.

"I'm still CMO of this ship, Mr Spock. And I still have a patient in my sick bay." The exhaustion clear in the raspy voice, Spock could hear the tone of reproach and humor.

"Your mate is hardly a viable patient, Doctor." He felt Leonard's grip on his shoulders tighten at the term as they always did. Everytime Spock reminded the Doctor of their bond, the human jumped, as if surprised the Vulcan remembered. Spock hadn't understood and eventually asked the captain's opinion. That opinion had been that Leonard didn't trust what to think yet either. Since all instances had been followed by extreme graditude or happiness on his mate's aprt, Spock had concluded Leonard was happy about it.

"In _my_ sick bay, you're _my_ patient, even if M'Benga is your doctor." Spock let himself be helped towards the exit of the sick bay.

"Then I shall adjourn from the sick bay so you may rest." Spock hadn't decided quite yet whether he was going to adjourn to his quarters or risk arguing with the prickly doctor to go to his station.

"I shall '_adjourn_' to wherever you are heading, sir." Spock felt his eyebrow go up at that as they made it to the turbolift. Leonard's gaze stayed locked with his as they got on and waited. "What level, Mr Spock?"

Clearly Leonard was going to follow him to the bridge if that was where he was going. For a moment he was tempted, just to check on the commodore, but he knew that medically he was off duty and Leonard looked about to drop. His mate needed sleep badly, even if Spock could go a bit longer.

"As you are heading to the same destination, Deck 3." He saw Leonards triumphant look flash across his eyes as they headed towards Spock's quarters. "As soon as you are settled-"

"Oh no ya don't. Where you are I am, for the next six hours. Ah don't care what yer doin." Spock stopped and stared at his mate. The accent was coming so strong, he had to decifer the words. Spock let the door close behind them and the heat wash over his worn body.

"Spock, Bohraya, please. Come to bed." Usually those words were whispered in his ear after a long day when they both were ready to relax and enjoy each other. The breath of that phrase usually tickled his pointed ear and sent shivers up and down his spine. This time a thread of exhausted despair was present. It was present in both of them.

Leonard carefully removed his own shirt and pants before moving on to Spock's. Normally Spock enjoyed the skin contact, but he was raw. The memory of his mental journey during his healing had returned and he felt opens and bleeding. The torture of being with his mate without showing that emotion was not something he thought he could handle right now.

But Leonard seemed to have contact on his mind. Throughout stripping Spock, he never lost contact with the Vulcan. Spock watched as Leonard leaned against his hip, kneeling next to him after he had finished removing his socks. There was a sad tension in his shoulders, Spock hadn't seen before.

"I was scared, Spock." He raised his eyebrow, even though his mate couldn't see it. "I watched you both get older and I couldn't find an answer fast enough. That always scares me." Spock placed a hand on his mate's brown head. The soft hair gave way to the scalp that help such intelligence, such knowledge and wisdom. He felt a soft breath puff across the side and back of his thigh as arms came up to wrap around the leg Leo was leaning against.

"T'hy'la." He stopped. He didn't know what to say. Leonard didn't sound upset. Infact, if not for the words he spoke, Spock would have simply thought him exhausted. His soft voice was steady, almost thoughtful through his accent. The skin contact opened them up to each other, but all Leo felt was calm. Spock wished that was all he felt. The knowledge that he would likely outlive his T'hy'la regardless of when they reached old age was a distressing one that he hadn't really thoguth about.

"m'not dead yet." He glanced down at the brunette in confusion. "Someday will be someday, Spock. I'll get old just like th' rest o' my species." Spock disentangled his leg and knelt in front of his weary mate. Leo looked half asleep as he let Spock take his hands and meet his eyes.

"I am a Vulcan. I should be able to handle this irrational fear." Leo didn't sigh, as Spock expected him too, nor did he pull Spock close to comfort him. Instead he met the brown eyes with calm belief.

"You can." Spock's eyebrow traveled upward in surprise. Leonard gave him that half depreciating smile. "I guess you didn't know, but those first few months after we three became friends, I was a wreck." Spock frowned at his mate. He didn't remember any significant loss of control from the Doctor. Leo looked down and to the side in what Spock decided was embarrassment.

"Here I was, CMO on a ship serving with two people who not only were the finest in the fleet but had become my best friends and the blasted idiots couldn't go a week without nearly getting killed, zapped, infected, or otherwise injuried." The surgeon's hands spasmed in Spock's as the man took a deep breath.

"Time and again I saw one or both of you take hits you shouldn't get up from and time and again I had to pull you back from the brink of death and I knew one day I would fail." Watery blue eyes met his. Spock felt the raw self-loathing that shot through Leonard before it was suppressed. "I couldn't keep you guys from taking risks, but I damn well could be the best possible person to make sure you were whole afterwards."

Then Spock understood. Their brush with death did bother his mate, but Leonard had dealt with this fear and worry already, Leo had made his peace with the idea that either he or the captain may not make it back from a mission. He had found his peace.

Spock reached under his mate and lifted him easily into his arms. He ignored Leo's squawk of surprise, feeling as well as knowing his mate loved to feel his muscles at work beneath his skin. Their bare skin made the short journey to his bed all the more personal. Gently, he set Leo on the bed, allowing himself to be pulled on top of his mate. Knowing what Leo was after, he covered the other's body with his and pulled the blanket up over them.

Leonard held him calmly, slowly letting his body follow his mind to peace. The fine tremors that the cure had given his muscles were easing and Spock felt him relax into the embrace the warmer Vulcan had engulfed the human in. Slowly, mindful of their mental connection in this position, Spock let his shield go to process and accept the fear and pain of Leonard's shorter life. Feeling no response from his mate, save a slight shift, he relaxed as he allowed himself the moment to realize that he wouldn't give up life with Leonard due to this fear and that was the important decision.

Emotional upset, settled, he turned to look at Leo's sleeping face. It was fast becoming a favorite pastime of his to watch the human sleep. He was surprised then to meet shining blue eyes with his. The mild concern and steady confidence shone through them and the science officer felt surprise well within him. Leo had known.

Leonard had always poked and jabbed at his emotions, but he had never really stopped to consider what the man would do if he should ever give in to the prodding. He had just assumed, Leonard would insult him by extolling the virtues of whatever loss of control he had and remind him about said incident for the rest of his days. It hadn't occurred to him, that his mate would understand. But he had understood. He had lay underhim and let him work his way through the backlash of the mission, without comment or, it seemed, judgement.

He pulled the human closer, letting his head ret above the other's shoulder on the pillow. He felt sleep creeping up on both of them. In a few hours Sulu would call him to say they were at Starbase 10. But until then he was staying right here next to his T'hy'la. He let out a relaxed breath and moved his mouth next to the closest ear of his mate.

"You are very precious, my T'hy'la"


End file.
